in terms of my current job as a farmer, is the pay cut I took. I went from a string of “white collar” series of jobs – mortgage lender then software designer for the lending industry – to a decidedly blue collar job. What they utterly fail to understand is that while I was building the farm over time so that I could eventually work here, my professional job went away anyway. So even if I’d never had the ambition to farm and never switched over to that as my work, I would have had to switch over to something else regardless. The product which kept me employed for 10 years was discontinued, and that company wasn’t interested in keeping any of us on for other work. That entire team of people scattered to the four winds. Most of my previous colleagues ended up going back to school to get additional technical certifications; those who didn’t went into some other sector of the work force and most also took steep pay cuts. Had I tried to stay in that line of work and apply for payday loans no credit check needed, I would have been faced with that choice as well. But because the timing coincided with the farm coming far enough along to start generating income, I think my folks decided that I went from $30/hr to $10/hr voluntarily. Furthermore, my folks seem to think that those juicy $60K/yr jobs are still low-hanging fruit, ripe for the picking, for anyone who happens to stumble by. I’ve resigned myself to the idea that they’ll never quite wrap their heads around the idea that my white collar career is over. I think they’re still waiting for me to wake up and get tired of the “farmville” game and go get a real job. I mourn for all the folks out there trying to do exactly that. At least I had an alternative of my own making.
“They don’t have money for anything else, so they can’t possibly have money for
It sounds like Sharon has a very good plan for having her daughter tested to see if that’s what’s driving all this recent bizarre behavior. And maybe drugs aren’t the issue in that particular case – sometimes self-destructive behavior is fueled by other causes. But lack of a job is certainly not an obstacle to continuing a drug addiction. Just go talk to all the jobless strungout wrecks out there who have already lost everything they’ve ever owned, and every job they’ve ever had. They’ll still manage to scrape money together, somehow, to buy one more hit.
check done without having to drag her into a doctor’s office kicking and screaming. Perhaps a private word with her doctor is all that would be needed. I don’t know how things work when the person is an adult and is legally allowed to refuse treatment. But any doctor worth the title will recognize both the risks that possibility might pose, and the opportunities to get this checked. If nothing else, a series off clean blood screens would rule this out as the culprit.
And thanks for letting me share our experience. Last I heard, she was simply dating this guy that you weren’t sure about. Then suddenly all this other stuff had gone south, seemingly overnight. The similarities with my cousin’s experience were just too close. All during the time I wrote up my response, I wondered if I was pushing too far into stuff that isn’t my business. But so much of what you’ve said in the last 24hrs has been almost verbatim the conversations which my aunt/uncle were having back when Lisa’s slide first began. “What in the heck is going on with this girl?” No one could figure it out, until that bloodwork started coming back consistently positive for heroin. If one family can be spared that 12 years of hell her family had, and the various other forms of hell we’ve become aware of with other addicts in our circle of family/friends, then it was all worth it.
Please do keep us posted. And whatever else happens, I hope the little one is growing and maturing well.
related visits and she doesn’t have the brains to get clean to pass a drug test at the physicians office but it will be a subject I will bring up at her next visit. Yes… I’ve been to every doctor’s visit with her-that pain thing she can’t function with has her call me for every appointment and she is very insistent that I’m in the room during exams and consults with her OB
Whether they specifically test her for drugs I do not know, but it will be asked in about 3 weeks.
I am very interested in knowing how to detect drug use though, as there HAS to be something!
No money for food, no money for housing or other normal utilities, no job (doesn’t want one or can’t hold one). Yet they always manage to scrounge enough to feed the habit. They often also manage to hang onto the car because that serves so many purposes – mini-home, shelter from the elements, way to get around, and one last-ditch effort at providing some form of “my place” when they’ve lost all their other retreats to safety.
But how do they pay for even that much? From what we learned with my cousin, and since then has been echoed with other drug addictions we’ve become aware of, is that most drug addicts don’t get arrested/jailed because of possession, per se. They get busted and jailed because of the petty crimes they do, to support their habit. If drugs, drug paraphernalia and/or blood tests during/after the arrest also show the presence of drugs in their system, then that only increases the # of charges against them. That’s what happened with my cousin. Her family only knew that she was sliding downhill for no apparent reason. It wasn’t until the arrests started that things started to add up and proof came in the form of bloodwork. And those arrests started to come in rapid succession, for a kid who’d previously been spotless in her grades and never had run-ins with the law. By comparison, a good friend of my brother’s, who only recently got over his own chemical addiction, was able to hang onto a professional level job. But he lost the house, the wife, the car, all his utilities were shut off, empty fridge, etc etc, because his entire take-home salary went towards his addiction. So even when good amounts of money are coming in, none of the needful things in life are paid for. Just the drugs. It takes over everything.
In the category of “fault”, this isn’t about failed parenting. Lots and lots of kids and young adults from “good” schools and “good” families and all those other warm-fuzzies end up in the same gutter, once they’re exposed to their first hits. We don’t know how Lisa got her first hit. It might have been at a party where kids were already drinking, at which point sound decision-making skills are out the window anyway, and maybe someone trotted out a sample, just for fun. Drug abuse drags everyone into the gutter, regardless of where they started. Arguing about whether the parents failed, etc etc, is frankly wasted effort. If drug abuse is what has happened with this situation, then “who’s at fault” is water under the bridge. She’s either on drugs, or she’s not. If she is, then the details of how and why that first instance occurred, are irrelevant. The task is to get her off them.
In terms of knowing whether she’s on drugs or not, there’s indirect evidence, and then there’s proof. You’ve already listed or hinted at a few of the more common indirect evidence – sudden loss of interest in activities/priorities, suddenly asking for significant sums of money, particularly to cover the basics, new friends (particularly a new boyfriend or girlfriend), no motivation, withdrawal from normal family and/or social life, good students and/or hard workers suddenly dropping out/not caring about their classes/jobs. While any one of those can be explained in other ways, when they come together like that, a new drug habit goes to the Top Three list of causes really fast. The only other two categorical causes on that list are death in the family, or sexual assault, either of which can lead to clinical depression and the desire to numb the pain and/or feelings of guilt, in any way possible. Any one of those three can send a previously well-adjusted kid right into the toilet behavior-wise. Other indications of drug abuse specifically, are changes in wardrobe/appearance, wearing sunglasses a lot to hide watery eyes, using Visine and other similar products a lot to hide bloodshot eyes, long sleeves if they’re injecting, perfume/cologne if they’re smoking, other new habits/dress changes to modify their appearance. But in terms of proof, that requires bloodwork. Frankly, I don’t know how long drugs generally stay in the system; it varies by drug but I think traces can generally be found up to 72hrs later. But it’s possible that a single blood test could be cheated on some of these drugs if the time interval between dose and test, was large enough. I know my cousin had to get regular blood tests while on probation to prove she was still clean.
I do know that sometimes kids will spiral down, without drugs or personal loss or sexual assult being the culprit. But such a drastic change of personality and/or life plans, doesn’t happen in a vacuum. There’s a causative factor in there somewhere. I also know that those types of problems are still considered taboo by a whole lot of folks, and in many instances it’s easier to simply chemically mask the issue than deal with it. So whatever is going on with your daughter, may or may not be drug abuse. But it’s something major. In terms of how to tell for sure, I can check with our therapist and see if an evaluation would flush out at least some clues or directions to pursue. But an evaluation by some type of professional – doctor, psychiatrist, etc – would probably be required to get a definitive answer. Sadly, from my little bit of experience with it, simply waiting for her to come to her senses or her brain to wake up again, might be a long wait for a train that ain’t coming.
How are they affording drugs? While I’m not there 24/7, I would rather take the blame for this than say she was on drugs. I take the blame for having plans for her future and not letting her be able to be who she want(ed) (s) to be. People told me that I should let her make her own future plans, not force college on her and not place great stock in her continuing our family business. I now here that she has succumbed to the pressure I applied, and for that I have to forever live with. Drugs? maybe….
I suppose anything is possible, but she is deathly afraid of pain (not necessarily a needle) but when she goes to the doctor and they draw blood, she passes out unless she’s in the prone position (been like this since she was younger). She fainted from vaccines through the years so I can’t see her shooting up. Smoking something…maybe.
Hummm…. Its not like she will admit it, so how does one find out and do something about it?
The more I learn about how bad this situation has really gotten, and how quickly, the more it sounds a lot like what we went through with my cousin. Bright girl, good student, had plans, had a future, and had the talent and motivation to go do something to achieve it all. Then Mr. Wrong came into her life either during senior year or first year of college, I don’t recall which. Our little branch of the family wasn’t directly involved, but even we heard through the family grapevine that she was suddenly spending a lot of time with this guy that no one liked. Then over a six month period of time, her life went from “future so bright you gotta wear sunglasses”, to dropped out of school, then unemployed and broke, then homeless, and finally pregnant. Turns out Mr. Wrong had introduced her to heroin. It was a long dive into darkness for her that lasted for 12 years. Six unplanned pregnancies and two prison terms later, she finally got it into her head (while finally off the drug long enough to have thoughts again), that maybe she could do something different with her life. Last I heard, Mr. Wrong, serving his own jail sentence, never did have any ambitions towards becoming a human being. But the divorce went through and finally she was free of his toxic influences in her life.
She has now been clean for almost 10 years, gets to spend time with her kids again, and has gone through at least an Associates’ level if not a Bachelor’s level degree in drug counseling. She is currently helping other young women get out of the rut she was in, faster than the 12 years it took her, and hopefully without serving time in the process.
When her parents were pondering what to do with that whole situation, they couldn’t figure out how their bright, ambitious, talented, outgoing daughter had suddenly turned into a lump with barely a pulse. It was the heroin that did it. Unless you’re absolutely positively sure that drugs aren’t involved, I’d put that out as a distinct possibility. Kids go into their various forms of rebellion, true enough. I certainly did. But a nosedive of this magnitude usually has some kind of cause, something big that might take some digging to uncover. And the kids will do anything to keep that covered. But this goes way beyond being dumb or rebellious. That’s my take on it anyway. I hope that’s not the case, but it would certainly start answering some “how did this happen” questions if it was. Harsh words, I know, but worth checking out.
Time will tell if I get cancelled. I also cancelled the “insurance” we carried on our phones through verizon. Saves us $28+ a month. Every little bit huh?
I’ve been playing “ostrich” recently (think las 8-10 months), Letting DH handle the $$. He’s been doing pretty good w/it, our bills are pd on time, but there is NO money put towards the EF or debt. We make WAY too much $$ not to be making progress. We have a huge project that needs to be completed before we can really get started on the snowball, and I get soooo depressed and overwhelmed I stick my head in the sand and ignore it. I need to get motivated, but it’s super hard when your so depressed.